better than chia pets

In honor of the Olympics, I'll share these photos of some very artistic Beijing gardening that a coworker emailed to me. Way cool.

Week I Am So Done

Dear Frito,
I'm breaking up with you. You've been good to me and I know you want me to stay. Thanks for the yummy last-day peach cobbler, but don't be fooled into thinking that changes things. This relationship can't go on forever. I have other chips to fry.

Your pal,
Summer

Best names
Deatra
Jobyl
Joan (like Joanne)
Nishia
Delia
Maryum
Darshane
Nikeshia
Ranatia
Sade (saw-day)
Cortaya
Keneise
Tangy (tan-gee)
Terriona
Taffany
Towana
Renu
Verasteen

best last name
Wojciechowicz (could you spell that?)

Best places
Havre de Grace MD (pronounced Haverty Grace)
Forty Fort PA
Londonderry NH (Mack's apples? Kaci?)

Best foreign matter
bandaid
medicine
bright blue chips (those are always fun)

last edition of Consumers Say the Darnedest Things
-one called to report a stale bag of chips...turned out to be 4 years old
-another called to say their chips tasted like the smell of burned hair...
-another could only respond to what I said with "yes, please." I think even when I said goodbye she said "yes, please."
-another could only say "God bless you! He loves you!"
-"Who's in charge of your cleaning service?"
-"Do you guys make Lay's?"
-"Your product tastes great but should be called Suncrumbs and not Sunchips"

...and the
most-internal-conflict-caused-for-Summer-between-wanting-the-guy-off-the-phone-and-being-intrigued-by-his-motivations-to-do-all-this-talking award
goes to the Irish Catholic from New Jersey who made short order of finding out where I was from, where I went to school ("so you're Mormon, right?"), what the weather was like, what I study, that I had spent time in France, etc. I learned a lot about him, too. He's very impressed with the missionaries and takes them out to lunch every time he sees them, but thought it was very funny that he never sees the same companionship twice. He told me several jokes (one about the Tour Eiffel that actually made me laugh), all about the Catholic missions founded by the Spanish on the California coast and the miracles associated with the building of a chapel in Santa Fe, all about his mother who died of cancer and her sister who is still living at 100 years old, and something about dogs named Tina Turner and Regis who had written a book(?? that was where I stopped listening). He kept saying "praise the Lord" and "write this down." Um ok, sir. He was very nice, but maybe I should've been more controlling in that conversation.

Letters
typewritten:
DEAR MISS VICKIES:
I HONESTLY ENJOY ALL OF YOUR ALLS BRANDS OF POTATO CHIPS:
AS WELL AS THE KETTLE CORN THAT YOUR ALLS COMPANY MAKES.
I WOULD LIKE TOO KNOW IF YOUR ALLS COMPANY HAS ANY OTHER BRANDS OUT ON THE MARKET.

YOURS
TRUELY
RICHARD
DALE
BECKMANN"2"

written on a napkin with an address:
mail a refund back
of three dollars in cash rush

Dear Miss Vickie's,
All my life I've always been nuts about potatoes--in any way, shape or form. Forget about meat--I could make a meal with potatoes alone.
Usually when people get older, they kinda' lean towards softer foods, especially when their choppers are like the stars and come out at night. Not me though! I've always loved potato chips and this past year, I've discovered "kettle-type" chips and the crisper and crunchier they are--the better they are to me!
Last week when my Social Security check came, after paying bills and loaning people money, etc, I was feeling mad and really down in the dumps so to get away from it all, I took a bus ride to a casino and blew money like I printed it myself. Not knowing any of the new slots, my money vanished before I'd even know how the machine worked. When it came time to leave, the bus driver said we had a few minutes to run back in if we had to go to the washroom so I did but I still had a $5 voucher towards food so I hurried up and got a muffin and a brownie and with a dollar left, could only get a bag of potato chips. I was so hungry I opened the bag on the way home and I was shocked! Your chips were so good, I made myself eat them slowly one by one. That night I thought about them every little while.
The next day my son and daughter-in-law were arguing. (I am staying with them temporarily until by youngest son and I move) I wanted to escape so I decided to go on that dumb bus again--not only was I going to get my money back but I was going to get my mitts on more of your potato chips!
Instead I blew the rest of my money but I did get 5 bags of your chips. When I got "home," I found out--I loaned someone money to buys something because they told me someone else was buying something from them and I'd have my money back no later than 3 days from them. Anyway, they bought what they wanted but the other guy didn't buy this dum thing he was supposed to so anyway, now I was really broke!
In a few weeks when my next check comes, I learned the hard way and won't act so stupid but I have to get my hands on more of your potato chips! When I do, I'm hiding them in the closet and they're gonna' be for me alone! I was always taught to share but most often, end up with nothing so the heck with everyone, they can eat Doritos or Fritos or Cheetos or who cares--but your chips are mine! I'm sorry to be so long-winded but I'm crazy about your chips. And it's not too often I find something I really like.
Recently I bought a large bag of kettle chips at a local dollar-plus store but they were awful so I told them about it and they sent me a coupon for a free bag but when I went back to the store, they said that was a special purchase and they don't carry that brand so the coupon is worthless (the chips were yucky anyway so...)
Please let me know where I can buy your chips. I hope they're available some place because that "free" bus ride to the casino wound up being really expensive and I don't want to go again unless I really have to.
I'm sending part of a bag so you know what chips I'm talking about in case you make other kinds. I have a post office box I get my mail at but I guess you could write to my son's address too even thought his last name is different than mine. Whatever you choose, I hope you reply with some good news. I can feel the crunch and almost taste them right now!
Thanks for your time and sorry this thing is so long!

Wow. Poor lady.

Week 15

Best names
Louanne
Lehann
Ruby
Cornelia
Alma
Yolanda
Niki
Shunna
Shali
Shallisa
Dauntell
LaMenta
Derell Kentrell

best last name
Szczubelek

Best cities
Zanesville OH
Neversink NY
Hephzibah GA
Satellite Beach FL
Kents Store VA

Best foreign matter
worm
bandaid

Best tip-off that it's a prank
...when the guy says "uhhh...I just found a cigarette butt in my bag...and I swallowed it...is that the first time you've gotten this complaint?" *giggles in background*


Best alternate name for Ruffles
"waffle ones"


Most quotable consumer
(after reporting an over-salted bag) "I hope you find a big possum or mouse in the salt shaker and get rid of him!"


Best reasons to call
-to ask what our secret ingredient is
-to ask if there's any potassium in Fritos
-to ask why there's salt in Cheetos
-to rant and rave in one very long breath about your stale Funyuns and then hang up (maybe it's a better stress reliever than the alternative?)
-to ask if the 10-cent coupons someone's trying to use at your store are real
-to say you just got a new puppy...and by the way, have we ever considered putting a dog on the bag?
-to ask if we can send you several copies of a glossy, fold-out Sunchips ad in a magazine so you can share its "living green" tips with your friends

-to ask if I have a computer at my house, and if so, am I familiar with such-and-such penguin website?

8.8.08 dumplings

To celebrate the opening of the Olympics in Beijing, Mom branched out last night and made these pork dumplings, much to Dad's delight.

They tasted a lot better than they looked. I don't have Wendy's food setting or photography skills.

Week 14

Best names
women
Thomasa
Robbin
Odette
Sherryle
Agatha
Alberta
Dmitria
Takita
Shalyqua
Liesl (I thought of you, Andra)

men
Kirby (Heyborne?)
Lavern
Hicks
Blaise Bloomer
Skye Striker
Tim McGraw

best last name
Fazenbaker (fake 'n' baker?)

Best cities
Summerville SC
Niceville FL
Pewee Valley KY
Feeding Hills MA
Cut Bank MT
Climax MI
Lizard Lick NC

Best foreign matter
gum
penny

Best reasons to call
-to ask how we get the salt in our sunflower seeds
-to complain that your chips are too fresh
-to ask if we make Bugles, and if we don't, who does?
-to ask if your rapper friend who calls himself Cracker Jack could get sued by FL when he makes it bigtime and gets famous
-to suggest that we sell Cool Ranch Doritos seasoning separately (I've gotten that several times, and never from an adult. Like anyone would buy it....ew)
-to ask why we use Triangle K, because some people don't trust Triangle K
-to ask why sunflower seeds aren't taxed
-to ask how you can crisp up your chips
-to ask if you can be in our next commercial
-to ask if there's a prize for finding a chip with a perfect triangle in the center, because you did

Happiest talkers
-the British lady who went on and on about how much she liked my name and her policemen and firefighter sons and her grandbaby who she wanted to name "Melisserann," as she said it, but got named something else. Her accent cracked me up...it was like British aristocracy meets West Virginia hillbilly.
-the New York lady who went on and on about how good Sunchips are and how wonderful she thought it was that we use solar energy and how it's too bad that New York can't do that because they just don't have sunshine up there like we do in Texas.

Week 13

Best names
Quincy
Pressley
Shantelle
Janell
Trenice
Shirah
Elberta
Dakisha
Shalita
Patrice
Merle
Shaquanna
Queen
Avis
Lanard
Steven Stevens

Best cities
Summerfield FL
Fairfax VA what what
Mingo Junction OH
Feasterville Trevose PA

Best pranks
"Can we hang out sometime? I don't have any friends."
"Why is there an arrow pointing up on this bag? Is it because Cheetos defy gravity?"


Best misnomer for Funyuns
"funny onions"

Best reasons to call
-to ask why the sunflower seeds you planted didn't grow and if you had just thrown your dollar into the dirt
-to ask if you can fax us a menu from your catering company
-to ask what Tostitos picante sauce it supposed to be used for...spaghetti sauce or a dip? (Anyone remember the Bugle lady?)
-to suggest that we sell whatever chips, just like you wrote on your grocery list
-to tell me in 23-minute detail about your recent fall, your broken hip, the rehab center you're now in, the other people in the rehab center, your medications, the past years of hospitalizations and operations that your husband and friends have gone through, the names and backgrounds of their doctors, the man who stocks the vending machine downstairs, the background of your parents who came from Portugal in the 1920s, and the difficulties of scheduling bingo games
-to tell me that you found a Cheeto that looked like a little boy wearing a backpack, you had faxed a picture of it to an unknown # at hq a month ago, and had not received a response. Be sure to talk nonstop for at least ten minutes (at the end of the day when everyone else is trying to call), ask if you get a monetary reward or an appearance on TV, and don't give up until you give the rep your address and make her send you a letter acknowledging that you found something "very unique" in your Cheetos bag.

Crazy of the week
I knew Virginia was going to be trouble when I answered and she said, "Summers? How do you spell your name?" She sounded a little lulu...for example, she was complaining because her chips were broken, but she couldn't use the word broken. It made me think of Monk. She didn't seem upset but asked for a check instead of coupons. Gave me her social, no problem. Gave me her name as Ginny and her address and told me to put it c/o Virginia same last name, the "sister" she was staying with. I know her address doesn't exist--she said there was no street #. "It's just Saratoga West #59." She made me read it back 4 times, with the c/o Virginia, wouldn't give me her phone #, and finally I got her off the phone. It didn't take her long to call back--4 times that I know of. She would say she had to talk to me, then start freaking out because she thought I spelled her name wrong. But she would always hang up before she got transferred to me. Later I found out she had been sent 2 checks last month, one last week, and had submitted another request the same day I talked to her. She always had multiple bags and no info from them. Go figure.

Best letter
To whom it may concern:
I am writing this letter because I am doing a school project and we need to choose the best company that we like. I choose your company because I think that it is the best one. I think that Frito-Lay is the best because you make good stuff and also it is inexpensive. Most of the day's I buy chips at the store. My friends always buy chips. I think that most of the people like to buy your chips they would. I am happy to write about what I feel about your greate company. Thank you for creating such a wonderful product.
Sincerely,
Edwin D.

Week 12

Best names
Roth
Shaynee
Garnet
Latoya
Myrna
Rachelia
Kiva
Kamitra
Wiltonette
Teashae

Best places
Summerville SC
Romeoville IL
Big Clifty KY
Coeur d'Alene ID
Provo UT woot

Best foreign matter
fingernail
elastic

Best alternate names for a colon
decimal
point point
2-dot thingy

Best (worst?) prank
prankster: What should I do if I run out of bean dip?
me: Get more.
prankster: OMG you're so amazing.

Most obsessive caller
has called twelve times in the last 2 years. Wow she was interesting.

Best reasons to call
-to tell me about the monsoons in Arizona that are making your chips stale
-to ask WHY your chips are SO salty. Was someone getting FIRED that day or something?
-to tell me there are about 20 peanuts in your 7oz bag of Cracker Jack...is that not enough?
-to ask why your store doesn't carry Sunkist cherry limeade, then argue with me when I tell you it's not a FL product

Best thing overheard from my neighbor Karen
"Am I black or white? Does it matter?"

Letters
Dear Fritolay,
My name is Mercy and my best friend's daughter simply love the cheddar ranch flavor twist in the ranch mix munchies bag. In fact we plumb fight over it!! We are just a little town in Florida but have a big appetite for those little corn flavored twist!! We write to you because we would like a bag full of them!! I am sure that we are not the only females to like this treat. We work hard at a pharmacy where it is hard to eat. Those twist are not only easy to reach and eat but are extremely satisfying. Please let us know if this is possible or must we still fight for that wonderful twist.

Being a fan of your Cracker Jack product all my life...(I'm 72)...I was very disappointed recently...when I found your product unsatisfactory. I use them weekly in gift boxes & for all occasions, and was embarassed when a friend informed me that 2 of your boxes were inedible, were all stuck together in one flat sticky slab and that the 3rd box, was only 1/5th full. After that I checked my supply and there were others at well that did not "rattle" when I shook them. (I have an air conditioned home)

Miss Vickie's,
I feel like somebody made chips just for me. One problem--you spelled my name wrong it's Miss Vicki's. My name on the music circuit in my neighborhood since 1966. I was 21 then. I have always kept that name due to being married so many times. I play drums and sing. Now that I have retired from the "work field." I'm gonna start playing again. I don't have much money so I'd hope that you'd send me a couple of coupons. They are a little too salty but great flavor. I'm sold forever.
Thanks
Thanks Again
Miss Vicki
Don't care for hot.

I am writing this letter because it was the only way I thought I could get my thoughts to you. I have called your 1-800 number for two days and called your main office but was sent to the voice mail of one of your employees. NO SERVICE
My wife had a simple complaint about your baked cheetos with white cheddar. There was none on them..she has bought that peculiar verity since you started it's production. This bag had no cheese flavor on it.
I tried to take it back to Wal-Mart where it was purchased but they would not do a thing about it but through it in the trash.
If this is the way customer satisfaction is done at your company, then we can buy the infearior product where satisfaction is guaranteed.
Irritatedly yours,

Day 3: Grandma

We went to church with Grandma at Jamestown on Sunday and then spent the afternoon looking at her old pictures and chatting. It was good to see her...still the same funny Grandma! She had to introduce us all to anyone who came in the room. The pictures were great too--can't wait to get 'em scanned.
We also saw the Happy Hands Club perform! (Mom, Logan and me.) That's right--Preston, Idaho's very own Happy Hands came and signed "The Rose" as seen in Napoleon Dynamite, and some other things. Quite a few other things. They're actually really good. It makes me want to learn more ASL. Regrettably, I didn't have my camera, or I would've posted real HH vs Napoleon HH to compare.
After Grandma's we went back to Erdmanns' for dinner and dessert, when we met Danny's girlfriend. And Julie & Tanner came over. Their baby Caleb sure is a sweetie. Sorry, no pictures. We'll have to bug them to start a blog. My last hurrah was watching the three Work & the Glory movies in quick succession (Aunt Jean's recommendation) before snagging an hour of sleep and getting up to leave at 3:30. It was a very fun but tiring weekend.

Day 2: Blessing

We reconvened to Erdmanns' for lunch (Subway sandwiches and Frito-Lay chips--does it get any better than that?) and the baby blessing.
Olivia looked so sweet in Jenna's old dress. Feel her soft head.
I call it "American Logan."
This is what happens when Little Robby gets a hold of the camera...
and plays with the shutter speed.
Jenna got drenched running through the sprinklers.
Logan and I spent the night with R&S at Doris & Tommy's, where the boys took me down to Chinatown in Mario Kart.

Day 2: Temple Square

Saturday Logan and I played on Temple Square during the sealing.
It was so pretty with everything in bloom and not too hot.
Another Kaci-inspired shot.
Quail, anyone?
The Assembly Hall is one of my favorite buildings because it's like a mini-Gothic cathedral.
In front of the Conf Center.
At the North Visitors Center we saw a great presentation called God's Plan For Us. Logan fell in love with the Australian sister who showed us through.
I got a little self-portrait happy. Or maybe I should say Logan-and-me-portrait happy. I think it's getting to him in this one.

We took a mini-mini-tour of the CC--peeked into the auditorium and the room with the BoM paintings.

After a glance inside the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, it was time for more glamour shots. I'd like to thank the very nice girl who took this.
Studly, Logan.

And waiting under some beautiful trees for everyone to come out of the temple.
That's Logan's Asian/I'm being tickled face.
R & S and their family looked great but I didn't get any pictures of them on my camera so you'll have to keep checking their blog.