Week 3

Punchline to last week's joke
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polyunsaturated.

Best names
Bekkee
Lavey (luh-VAY)
Daquana
Jatynthia
Dawn Sweet
my personal favorite: Gogo La Tata. She was a little crazy.

Best places
Wartburg, TN
Maynardville, TN
Chagrin Falls, OH

Best foreign matter
a chipped tooth--I don't believe it. That lady was crazy too.
unidentifiable brown chunks...???

Best guesses for the Doritos Quest flavor
Fruit Loops! (The flavor is Mountain Dew, in case you were wondering. I haven't tried them but I imagine they're disgusting. Been getting a lot of calls from people telling me that this week.)

Worst prank attempts
"Do Sunchips contain potatoes?! I'm deathly allergic!"

In a really bad fake Asian accent: "I really like Cheetos. Can you make root beer and ketchup Cheetos?"

Dumbest reason to call
This guy wanted to know the title of the song in one of our commercials. He said he'd called the news station, the radio station, everyone he could think of and no one knew what it was. He also wanted to find it again...I told him to go to Youtube. Duh.

Best movie character sound-alike
The lady from Louisiana who sounded JUST LIKE John Travolta in Hairspray. I had never heard anyone talk like that for reals, and it was hilarious. I could hardly keep my composure.

Best where-to-buy
The friendly rancher from Mineral Wells, who made sure the first thing he told me was where he was and exactly how far it is from Fort Worth. He said he was looking for Doritos Picante Sizzlers--I had to do a little searching to figure out what he was talking about because they've come and gone since last summer and they're definitely not called Picante Sizzlers. I told him they were discontinued and he said, very twangily, "Well, I'll tell y'all what, that was the best chip y'all ever made. You know what I do now, I just buy the Blazin' Buffalo Ranch and the Spicy Nacho and get me one of those big ol' jars of picante sauce and dip 'em in the sauce!" He thought it was the funniest thing.

The only happy Cracker Jack consumer I have ever and will ever talk to
I was dreading what was coming next when this guy told me he was 76 and used to eat Cracker Jack when he was little. Old people love to complain about Cracker Jack and they always start with their age and how many years they've been eating it, which is sometimes the same. "It's not as good as it used to be, what happened to all the peanuts and cool prizes? yadayadayada..." I was very surprised when he said his wife had just come home from the store with CJ and he didn't know it was made anymore! He was thrilled! He said, "I just wanted to tell you I'm getting ready to sit down with my grandson and watch a movie and enjoy this CJ and do you still make it in boxes and where are you and thanks so much for making this!" My pleasure.

Memorable consumer quotes of the week
"Half the bag is not even full!"

"I eat a lot of bad health food. This bag tasted like dirt--and I would even eat dirt if it had BBQ on it!" If Baked Lay's that tastes like dirt is bad health food, what's good health food?

"Hello, am I talking to a real live person?" No, you're talking to a real dead person.

"This bag of sunflower seeds says it contains 190 calories per serving. Does that include the shells?" You EAT the shells?

The woman complaining about cheap Cracker Jack prizes who suggested we make "holographic mind teaser puzzles" to put in the bags instead of "creepy holographic bee things." No idea what she was talking about.

"How many bags of chips do you have to eat to become a chip expert?" Um you tell me. I'm no expert.

Most long-winded old lady
The conversation went something like this:
"The name is Jeanette, J-E-A-N-E-T-T-E. That's my first name. I'll spell the last name for you. V as in Victor, A as in apple, N as in Nancy, no space, capital O as in orange, T as in Tom, E as in Edward, G as in George, H as in hotel, E as in Edward, M as in Mary." Then she went on to tell me she had a bag of chips that was too salty or whatever was wrong with them, and that she was 4'3.5" and it's hard being short and how tall are you? and the history of her father immigrating from Germany and her mother losing her hearing when doctors were treating her for something and screwed up, and her parents meeting in deaf school and getting married and having 7 children and she's the only one left and she just has her daughter and are my parents still living? I said yes, I'm pretty young, and told her I was one of 8 which made her happy. She was so sweet. But a very slow talker and responder, so I had her on the phone for a while. I feel sorry for those lonely old ladies.

From letters
I eat all your products except one flavor of Pringles.

You should consider making dill pickle chips.

The usual round of school assignment letters
Last week it was Milwaukee, this time it's Rockford, IL.

Hi my name is Roxanna. I am a 6th grader from Flinn Middle School, and I am writing to you because your Doritos taste good. I think that they are the best chips I've ever tasted. I was wondering if you have any new products coming out. Thank you for your time I look forward from hearing from you.

My name is James, and I am twelve years old. I'm writing this letter telling you that I like your product Flamin' Hot Cheetos! I like to eat Hot Cheetos after school. My favorite time to eat them is when I'm not in school. Yeah, the academic atmosphere really ruins them. Your product is the best snack I've ever eaten. One reason I like Hot Cheetos is because they are spicy, and really good. I was wondering if you have any new products coming out soon, if there are any new flavors, or new snacks. Thank you for your time. I look forward hearing from you. What is it with kids and Flamin' Hot Cheetos?! Yuck!

Hi my name is Samantha E. Ace I am twelve years old. I am writing about your product Crunchy Cheetos. When I eat your product I love the crunchy parts, the cheesy goodness and every bit of it. I always am craving Cheetos when I want a wonderful snack just like yours. When I eat your delicious Cheetos I like the wonderful taste of everything about it. If you have any new products I would love to try some. Maybe you could try a sweet and salty Cheetos. I think it would be delicious. I'm always up for taste testing. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. Yay Samantha! You got it right!

Best child letter
To Whom It May Concern:
My class conducted a blind taste test. We tasted your Classic Style Thin Pretzel and Sunny Select Twist Pretzels. In my class we got two different pretzels and drew or traced the pretzels. Then we had to smell, feel, see hear and eat. When I smell you're your was not the same smell as the other one. When I felt yours it was very bumpy because of the salt. After that I saw it, it was light brown and had little 3-D dots. I had to eat it and the sound sounded like crunch, crunch. It had the taste of salt and bread. YUMMY! Then we had to compare and contract. Your pretzels were great and and salty and Sunny Select was soapy and over salted. If I was you I would make it bigger and fatter. It's the perfect amount of salt. GREAT SUPER JOB!!!!!!!!!

Best adult letter
New Product Department, or whoever gets the credit:
I bought a bag of Chester's Puffcorn, and I just have to expound. These things are the best idea since sliced bread. They taste more like popcorn than popcorn, without the residue. I work for a Law Enforcement Agency, and don't let anyone tell you that Peace Officers aren't devious. I took a bag to work and I was mobbed...offered a few to each person as a nice gesture, and they kept sneaking back and carrying it off by the handful (which is outright stealing, according to the Statute.)
The only place I know to buy them is at our local Walgreen's store, and like a sap, I blabbed about it. Three of my back-stabbing coworkers got there before me and cleaned out their remaining supplu. They didn't leave me a single bag.
Thought you'd be interested in come of their comments:
"I want some for my grandpa. He loves popcorn, but has trouble chewing."
"My four-year-old is a popcorn freak, and I can give these to him without the worrying. There's nothing to choke on, they melt in your mouth."
"I'm taking a bag to the movies, so I don't have to dig those hard little kernels out of my teeth and scrape them off my tongue."
Please! Can you tell me where else I can buy this delightful, delicious, low-cal snack? I promise not to tell, and hog them all for myself.

Most bizarre letter
He wrote this in impeccably neat curvise in pencil and then wrote over it in pen. I wonder how old he is.

Dear To Whom it may concern;
Miss Vickie's
Hello! How are you all doing? I'm OK. I love your potatoe chips they taste great! I like the ingredients; all natural, kettle cooked, original recipe, nothing artificial, zero grams trans fat--because theirs no trans fat in them at all. I love the taste of the potatoes, sunflower oil and/or cottonseed oil, I love the idea of using salt from the sea. The oils used in here make it taste so, so good! I also saw that these potatoe chips are made on the farm not from the factory, good invention. their cooked in small batches right from the kettle pot usually people cook them on a frying pan what a birlliant idea! The flavor taste is so natural you hardly can't taste the salt. There's no cholesterol in them perfect for me because I used to suffer with cholesterol and I had to take pills, the calories are (210) per serving, a little bit of sodium (6%), and carbohydrate (8%), protein (2g) the nutrition facts stated here My opinion says that these chips are the healthiest to eat, that's a good investment for everyone! Here's some advice you can count on--make bigger bags and put more chips either halfway or fill it to the top. And here's another suggestion try different flavors in your recipes, that way customers can try different varieties of potatoe chips.
Sincerely yours
Armando Urdanivia
Thanks Armando.